I know this is not the most fun subject to talk about. But life isn’t always easy and I think the hardships are worth mentioning. I do not wish to anyone to lose a kid, but if I can help some moms out there by sharing my “experience” it will relieve a little bit my pain, knowing I can bring some light to someone who is going through the same thing as I am.

I am not going to explain here what happened exactly to my son since we do not have the autopsy report yet, we assume it was SIDS since he was a beautiful healthy baby, but I just want to say that no matter what, my son isn’t here anymore and there is no harder pain than losing your baby. I am not going to pretend that I know exactly how to deal with all of this, most of the time I don’t know what I am doing. There is absolutely no legitimate reason for this to happen to us, and I will never wrap my head around it but I did learn a few things that I wanted to share.

1. My love for him will never die/ I will never get over it. Of course this seems pretty obvious, but he is my son and forever will no matter where he is in the universe. I am scarred for life, and I will forever feel guilty. This guilt will never go away and is literally eating me alive. He is a part of me, a piece of my heart is missing and I have to live my entire life knowing I will never see him, hug him, touch him or smell him again, and let’s be honest, it’s not something you can get over. You just learn to live with the pain. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it.
2. I live more for him than I live for myself. I know when you have kids, everything you do is for them but this is really on another level. EVERYTHING I do on a daily basis, is for him. By that I mean that I take my strength from my pain and try to make sure I live a happy fulfilled life so he can have a happy fulfilled life too, through me. This is what helps me get up in the morning and go through each day, to live for him and find some joy knowing he is somewhere watching me so I have to do everything in my power to to be the best I can be for him. He is in my thoughts every second of the day and since he can’t live his life, as his mom, I need to live it for him.
3. We all grieve differently. I know that my husband and I grieve really differently. He has his hobbies and I have mine. We all tend to compare ourselves to others in life but doing so in this situation just make things worse. I take it one day at a time and on some days, one second at a time. There are some days I manage to not cry and I remember all the beautiful memories we have with him and some days crying is all I do, remembering the whole trauma of finding him like that. I just go trough the emotions and I try to acknowledge them, the more I focus on my emotions and on myself and let them out, the “better” I feel.
4. You can never have too many photos and videos. I’ve felt awful my whole pregnancy with all that weight gain, and I didn’t take that many photos or videos, finding myself ugly most of the time. Then once my son was born I was just tired and exhausted. Now that my son is gone and all I have left of him are photos and videos, I just wish I had taken way more than I did. My husband and I do not even have a picture of the three of us. That’s one of the “resolution” I had since we lost him, it’s to take photos and videos of everything, even if it is just random and seems totally pointless, I know in a few years I’ll be happy to go back to those precious moments.
5. I am not afraid of death anymore. This is a touchy subject, but I used to be afraid of death and was wondering what’s on the other side. I am still worried on that matter, but in a way I know I have my son there waiting for me, and it gives me some relief and less anxiety.
6. It is okay to not be okay. This goes back a little bit to number 3. There are good days and bad days in grief and everyday is different. A bad day doesn’t mean you’re not progressing, it just means you accept your feelings and release them. I’ve come to realize the more I keep my emotions for myself the more I “explode” later on. So if I get emotional, I try to embrace it and think it’s him hugging me, I let it out, and move on and go back to whatever I was doing.

Hope this was helpful to whoever is going through the same thing, and you got this!

Xx Charline

Adrin Marius Mehndiratta  03/07/2021 – 03/30/2021 – You are so loved little one